✪ America

[ First thing the camera is greeted with is a WWI-era gas mask. The only thing discernible is the choppy golden hair sticking out. Then America lifts it up to reveal his face, looking even more panicked than in his last post. If the ghost of the Rail Tracer hasn't already cracked him, what's going on now certainly will.

More importantly are the tally marks that have encroached on his face, hands, and arms. In the background there are scrawled writings in the background, so sloppily written you'd think he wasn't even looking at the basement wall when he wrote it: DON'T LOOK AWAY WHEN YOU SEE ONE MAKE A MARK, THERE ARE THINGS IN THE ROOM WITH YOU YOU'RE GOING TO FORGET BUT THEY'RE THERE, WELCOME TO AMERICA SAY THIS WHEN YOU SHOOT THEM, and other things along those lines. ]

What'd I tell ya'll about the fog what did I say? And I was right! Sorta, well, it's bad, doesn't make ya automatically nuts but it brought bad things. Can't have this mask off for long but there's something out there, and none of you know it. I don't even really know it. I dunno remember what they are or what they look like.

[ cough cough wheeze. ] Stupid air. At first I thought I just went crazy, but stuff keeps appearing, like I'm still doing stuff but not knowing it, so I'm just gonna guess this writing on the wall is right and there is really something in here with me. In fact, I'm sure of it! Smells like a gun went off down here so I think I shot some of them, or shot at the ghost of the Rail Tracer because there's goddamn ghosts, but I dunno how many more of the things are--

[ It seems like there's been a skip in the feed. That's all it could have been, right? Unless for some reason, something happened, and you just don't remember it. Now America is sporting a new mark on his arm, his mask his on, and he's breathing hard. Something else on the wall: THEY'RE SILENT. America himself pauses for a moment, then takes the mask off again. He looks a little confused. Anyone watching probably is too. ]

...I was recording something? Wait, where was I? Oh, yeah, fog. I don't have any other gas masks but I gotta get outta here, gotta check on stuff. And I keep running outta bullets and I'm not sure...

[ He turns, reads the writing. ] ...why. Oh. Awesome, I'm fighting something I don't even remember. I can do this. Yeah. Okay, guys, watch yourselves, I'm gonna head out and try to help--

[ Another skip IN YO MEMORYYYY, but this time the video has ended. ]

( ooc note about the monster )

[ America appears on screen looking like he just spent two weeks in a ditch (hint: he has). Stubble dots his face, dirt smudges every other inch of him, and he look so displeased.

I told you, bro. I told you about the ditches. ]

It keeps happening.

Luckily for everyone who has ever been in peril or will be in desperate need of saving, your hero is okay! Need a new pair of boots, but otherwise unharmed. Just... need to clean up in a sec. After I finished eating.

Anyone wanna catch me up on what's going on? I've gotta get all my ducks in order now that I'm not stuck...

But first, a public service announcement.

( ( text ) )


[ ooc: Posted pre-event but feel free to respond with either regulars or doubles! ]

GUYS. GUYS. GUYS!

[ No, he doesn't care if he's going to wake up everyone with this. He just looks so. excited. Like more excited than any rational person has any right to be. This is a normal state of being for America, but considering the circumstances, it may seem a little... odd. The camera gives a nice clear view of the mushroom cloud from the roof, then goes over to America's smiling face. ]

GUYS, DID YOU SEE?! SOMEONE SET OFF A BOMB! Okay, yeah, I'm a little annoyed that someone else has got some, and someone I don't know, but since Russia isn't around it can't be him or any of his allies, but still! Look at it!

[ The screen wavers a bit as he starts to pace around. The camera is now trained back towards the cloud. And yet he still jabbers on. ]

How big d'ya think that yield is? Couple hundred kilotons? I've done that. These guys have gotta be amateurs or something. One time I made this one that was 15 megatons and it just incinerated the island I was using. Just gone! If this one is more than that, I've gotta get some tips from these guys. Not that I need 'em! I'm gettin' better every day! And I bet I have more!

Mannnn, this makes me miss my test site. I'd always get to see the new stuff and the guys would even get me a bowl of popcorn. HEY, TATSUMI, MAKE ME SOME POPCORN AND MEET UP HERE!

[ He finally stops pacing and turns the camera away from the cloud. His head tilts a bit while he stares at it. ]

I wonder if that was just a test. Or that whoever set it off is friendly. If they're not, I should be talking to them about how to use their stuff responsibly! It's my job as the hero after all! This all kinda reminds me that I should be thinking about stuff for back home too, with Russia still being a fucking whackjob and all. I bet I could get a yield higher than the one out there. Just gotta figure out where to test it!

[ He looks like he's about to say more, but instead he just sits down and stares. Just freaking stares like he's watching TV or something. ]

[ America sounds out of breath, which is not something that is easily combined with "absolutely hysterical." Like, you can barely tell if he's screaming or sobbing. Not unusual given that his little werepire boyfriend is now eating half the city! Except the reaction isn't exactly expected. ]

O-okay, okay so, I know there's a lot of things bein' said about Tatsumi and... a-and I know, since there's blood and all, and he's gone missing- it's not all his fault-!

I'M SORRY I GAVE HIM RABIES!

I KNEW AND I WASN'T SAFE! I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS AN STD! O-or that you could get it from drinking blood but I guess- AND NOW THAT HE'S GOT THE CHIP OUT IT'S ALL IN HIS BRAIN AND HE'S RUNNING AROUND ALL RABID AND HE'S BITING PEOPLE, ISN'T HE? I'M GONNA FIX IT DON'T WORRY I'LL FIX IT! HANG ON TATSUMI, I'LL SAVE YOU FROM THE RABIES!

USE PROTECTION. DON'T GIVE YOUR PARTNER RABIES!

[ He coughs, sniffles, tries to take a breath. ]

B-but don't worry everyone, I'll get this fixed! I'll catch him! J-just don't go around with a stake or silver bullets or anything, okay?! Because he's just sick! And I can cure him! I'm the hero, I'll save everyone.

...Meanwhile, ya'll should get some shots!

OKAY SO YOU GUYS KNOW HOW EVERYONE GOT COOL STUFF AFTER THE THOUGHT FISHIES WENT AWAY AND I HAD TO PUNCH A SHARK AND HOW I GOT A MUSTANG (LIKE THE ACTUAL HORSE NOT THE CAR)??? WELL I DID! BUT IT WAS WILD SO I HAD TO BREAK IT IN. AND I FINALLY MANAGED IT WITH ONLY A COUPLE KICKS TO THE EVERYTHING.

CAN'T USE SHIFT CAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE I BROKE MY HAND CLEANING HIS HOOVES. TYPING WITH THE OTHER.

OH AND I GOT SOME COOL OUTFITS TOO! I DON'T KNOW WHAT ALL OF THEM ARE BUT ONE HAS A WHIP AND A HAT AND ANOTHER LOOKS LIKE A POLICE UNIFORM AND A SPOOKY ONE AND A COUPLE OTHERS. I LOOK REALLY GOOD IN THEM!

GUYS MY HAND LOOKS REALLY GROSS LOOK AT THIS:

HOLD ON I'M HAVING TROUBLE TURNING ON VID

( video; english )

--oh, there we go!

[ America grins, then turns the video to his hand. It's swollen, one of the fingers is blackened, and the nail has fallen off. He has to show everyone his gross injuries always. He turns it back to himself; he's wearing his Indiana Jones outfit, minus the hat. ]

Sick, right? I'm gonna splint it up and stuff, so hopefully it won't take too long to heal! And then I can get to work making a saddle to fit him and Namine's pony! The plains should be thawed enough to graze them this spring. Man, I'm excited to finally get to ride again!

And if anyone has some pain meds or anything, that'd be cool.

[ America gives a thumbs up with his non-broken hand before shutting off the video. ]

[ Scratches? Check. Bruises? Check. Big ol' grin that says he could care less? Check. Obnoxiously loud announcement that is superfluous information to about 80% of Discedo? ]

HEY GUYS GUESS WHAT?! WE'VE GOT TWO NEW SMILING COWS WITH FLOATING HOOVES AT THE STABLES AND YOU HAVE ME TO THANK!!

[ ...check. ]

I'll accept gifts as tokens of your appreciation, but a simple thanks is good enough for me! See, People in Charge? This is why I asked for horses! The little plastic one ya gave me wasn't much help! Still, too bad I didn't record it, my wrangling skills are pretty impressive when I've only got my bare hands. Just ask Norway!

Oh, speaking of which Nor, I got myself all fixed up! I even made it festive!

[ America sets the communicator down on the table. Surely he's about to just show off an impressive bruise on his abdomen or something? No. No he's not.

He's turning around.

And pulling down his fucking pants.

Say hello to America's ass. There's a discolored wound on the right cheek, but that's not the point. The point is that his stitches are in the shape of a heart. America glances over his shoulder, grinning like a frat boy who just mooned the cops, and wiggles his hips a bit. ]

JUST FOR YOU, DISCEDO! HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

[ He laughs like the greatest gift he could possibly give the city: a look at his ass. It would probably be better if it wasn't, you know, wounded. You're welcome regardless. ]

[ America pops up, all smiles as usual. The camera shakes a bit as he moves up the stairs to his apartment. ]

Yeesh, usually I check in more than this, but you know how it goes: busy taking down vicious beasts, throwing birthday parties, saving the city, the usual! Ah, hold on...

[ He fumbles in his pocket for a key, opening his door... ]

So earlier I had this really good idea for-!

[ This is promptly cut off by a scream. It is the scream of someone who is now witnessing their precious pet dog(dragonwolfmonsterhellbeast) being eviscerated and eaten. Actually, here, have a quick view of the scene while America presses himself against the wall: ...why, it's only Nepeta enjoying a meal consisting of monster meat! What's so terrible about that?

Fucking everything, damn it. That blood splatter on the floor was his pet. How would you feel if someone ate your dog? Not too hot. Even if the creature eating your pet happens to be a cute little troll girl who, at the moment, looks a bit like a pet who just got caught doing something they shouldn't. The irony of this situation continues to mount. ]

PUPPY, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! OHMYGOD IT'S EATING MY DOG!

[ Cue more incoherent screaming as he grapples for his shotgun. Amidst his struggling, the communicator switches off.

If you are in Marshall, you can probably hear his screaming. ]

So... I'll say right now that, no matter what Denmark said, I'm okay if you call me Alfred or America or both or like, "Almerica" or "Amerifred" or whatever you like! I'm both. I ain't human, but. You know, maybe I'll explain it better some day, but I don't want to right now because Denmark's pissing me off and I don't want to think about things like this when I'm upset, and besides, I've got more important things to talk about right now!

LIKE THANKSGIVING.

I'm gonna have a dinner tomorrow! Miles kinda just reminded me so I know it's kinda short-notice, but I've got a box of instant mashed potatoes and other canned things that can somewhat resemble a Thanksgiving dinner if you tilt your head and squint! Anyway, all Americans are invited, and if we hang out and you're not American you can totally come too! Yes, even you, Little England, are allowed over. Try and bring food if you do show up though, because I will be hungry.

Everyone who's chipping in to help with the whole hot water thing, let's start after Thanksgiving, okay? Oh, let's finish before Christmas! It'll be like a present to ourselves!

...Okay, so I have no idea to lock something to someone who's dead, so if you're listening in Phantom the Kid: I dunno if ghosts eat or what but I guess you're allowed to stop by after everyone else has gone home. It must suck to be dead on the holidays. But I'm a nice guy and even though you scare the piss outta me, I have a sworn duty to you and therefore you can have some potatoes too!

[ Anyone living in Marshall may have noticed the bizarre structure America has been building for god-knows-how long. It is complete. And it is a monstrosity. It looks like he was trying to build this, gave up a fourth of the way through, began to make this, and then stuck a reclining chair in the middle of it. It is all splashed with horrendously vibrant orange paint. It's only about twelve feet tall. ]

HEY HOLLAND I FINISHED YOUR WINDMILL! It doesn't really do anything, so I put a chair in it! Now you can sit on a comfy chair--way better than a throne--and hold hegemony over all windmills! That's all you get though because I'm number 1 at everything else.

[ one last shot of America's smiling face before it's switched to text. ]

( text; )

Wow this was a bad idea, my fingers are freezing, but I thought moving them around to type would warm them up but apparently not. Okay now I'm inside never mind.

HEY. PHANTOM GHOST TRACER. I'M PRESUMING FOR LIKE TEN SECONDS THAT YOU'RE NOT 100% EVIL, SO I NEED YOU TO DO ME A REALLY BIG FAVOR. GO FIND A DEAD HANDYMAN TO FIX THE WATER HEATER AT MARSHALL. MY DAUGHTER KEEPS COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW I NEVER SHOWER AND I TELL HER, "NAMINE, IT'S COLD" AND SHE'S ALL "DAD PLEASE PUT ON SOME PANTS" AND I TRY TO EXPLAIN THAT THE SHAME ASSOCIATED WITH A LACK OF CLOTHING IS A HUMAN CONCEPT THAT IS SO INGRAINED TO ARCHAIC SOCIETY THAT ANYONE WHO CAN'T FREE THEIR MIND ENOUGH TO LOOK PAST THE INBRED EMBARRASSMENT AND REALIZE THAT IT'S ALL NATURAL, BUT SHE'S STILL KINDA PUSHING IT.

ANYWAY FIND SOMEONE TO FIX MY WATER HEATER. ASK A DEAD GUY. OR GOD. CAN YOU DO THAT?

JAPAN COME OVER HERE TO PROTECT ME IN CASE THE GHOST IS A COMMUNIST AND TRIES TO BETRAY ME.

MY FINGERS ARE TOO COLD TO TURN OFF CAPSLOCK.

[ When drugs fail, the best way to deal with the depression of your closest family leaving and the remainder of it getting killed by foreign mercenaries is simple: get the fuck over it, pry your jacket from the corpse of your ally/uncle/partner in crime/whatever, and start kicking ass.

See this icon? That is his face. He is in his typical military uniform, the bomber jacket being a bit bloodied with bullet holes, but he is arming himself to the teeth: two shotguns, one rifle, revolver, pistol, E-tool, and his goddamn carbine. You know it's serious when his carbine's out.

He flashes the camera a grin as he loads the ammo. Yes. This broadcast is for the sheer purpose of looking badass. Wanna enhance the experience? This is in your head. ]

Looks like this city is in desperate need of a hero. So I'm back to being human, my allies are getting shot down, and there's a war rampaging through an already dangerous hell? Now this I can handle! The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his, and these fellas are definitely on the wrong side. Let's give 'em hell, Discedo! You can all be my back-up!

AND I'LL BE THE HERO!

[ This is promptly followed by an excited... well, holler. It's like a high-pitched, lung-shattering scream blended with shouting "hurrah!" Whatever man. Your ears probably hurt. The last thing seen is America snatching up his communicator before bolting out the door. ]