✪ America

[ Once upon a time, Japan got pregnant, Greece and America mindlinked to come up with a solution to Japan's woes, and somewhere in there is a glorious Rail Tracer presentation. This brings us to where we are now:

America, Greece, and cats.

For those of you who have missed the disaster of what America has become, here's a brief summary: left eye bandaged, horrendous bowl cut, and now wearing a top hat. He does not seem too bothered by his appearance. America is in fact staring with a broad grin into the camera. Greece is in the background of America's apartment (HOORAY FOR RESPAWNING BUILDINGS), looking half-asleep and playing with cats. ]

ALRIGHT EVERYONE! Now that the chaos is back in order, I can get back to my very important duties in this city!

FIRST: JAPAN NEEDS SOMEONE TO LOVE!

Greece and I, with our awesome mindlink powers, have made a helpful survey so that we may set him up with his perfect match and he'll know the beauty of love and live happily ever after well at least for a while but any time is better than no time!

[ The post then switches to TEXT. You are now being presented with the worst survey of your life. ]

<b>Name:</b> <b>Age:</b> <b>Are you okay with older men?</b> Much, MUCH older men. <b>Are you yandere/tsundere/moe/all of the above?</b> If you don't know what these words mean, that's okay. They're not English. Just pick one if you're unsure. <b>Do you like cats?</b> <b>Are you willing to help Japan raise his baby?</b> <b>The baby's name should be Alfred (Y/N):</b> <b>Are you Turkish?</b> <b>Are you in any way associated with either the Rail Tracer or the Communist Party?</b> <b>What is your idea of a perfect date?</b> <b>Are you a virgin?</b> It's okay, Japan is too. <b>Are you a mythical creature?</b> <b>Why can't men have babies?</b> No, seriously, why is everyone trying to dodge explaining this to me.

[ And back to VIDEO. There is a cat on America's shoulder. Greece is somewhat closer, but still sleepy-looking and preoccupied with cats. ]

That seems straightforward enough! Moving onto the second issue: my brothers, Hong Kong and Canada, need dates too! Hong Kong likes girls and Canada lived with France so he should be okay with just about anything. They're virgins too! This is important for some reason I'm not sure why!

[ Greece has moved over and begun to slowly pile cats onto America. This entire conversation, America will slowly be enveloped in mewling cats. ]

Third--and this is a really important thing!--THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IS NOW OCCUPYING THE KINGDOM OF DENMARK AS A LIBERATION FORCE AGAINST SWEDEN AND GERMANY AND WHOEVER ELSE IS PICKING ON HIM. IT'S OKAY. HE'S THE ONE WHO SUGGESTED IT. HE'S IN NATO SO I GOTTA HELP A BROTHER OUT. If anyone has an issue with this, please bring this to my lawyer, Miles Edgeworth. He'll sue you and then you won't question me anymore!

Denmark said I don't need to occupy his vital regions, but I'll be making friends with his whales! I guess I'll just hang around his ports and beaches or something. You have ports, right Denmark?

[ There is now a cat on America's face. His entire head is obscured by furry masses. AND YET, HE STILL TALKS. ]

Now that that's out of the way, I've reached my final and most important point:

Russia is the Rail Tracer and we're throwing him into a frozen star. Latvia's partly the Rail Tracer, but we'll see how he shapes up. More news on Russia's journey into a frozen star to come later! Stay tuned, and remember: date Japan, free Denmark, and the Rail Tracer is amongst us, and he is communist.

And thanks to whoever left out all the cool stuff and brought my embassy back from the dead! I'd owe ya one but I sacrificed the use of an eye for a week to save the city, so, you're welcome, and gimme Cola more often!

[ America sounds like he's smiling, but you can't tell. At all. His job done, Greece resumes being lazy. End whatever the hell I just wrote. ]

[ ooc: holy christ I put one of these at the end of every other post ANYWAY. I'm still on hiatus, so replies will still be slow for the next week, but I'll do my best to keep up! ]