starspangledhero | [voice//action for Marshall street apartments]

[ And you thought you were rid of them. Nope. America hath been Mindbroken, which for you means the return of two very special individuals from America's chip event. Both are America's voice. Don't feel like color coding. MAKE DO WITH HORRENDOUS ACCENTS. ]

Someone tell this fuckwit that he ain't allowed ta go inta peoples' homes an' turn everythin' upside down! It's bad enough that he's doin' it ta my land, but do I have ta suffer this blatant invasion of my rights at every turn?!

It's not your home! Don't make me turn your "Alfred" logic bullshit back on you.

Ya can use that excuse fer the war, but ya sure as hell can't use it here, 'cause it ain't yer house!

Well it "ain't yers" either. It's the American embassy, not the "Confederate Den of Inequity"!

Yer face is a Den'f Inequity.

Go back to your drunken gambling you amoral-- where are you going?!

I'm gonna fix what ya've ruined!

[ A door slams. One of the Americas can be heard screaming through the other side of the door. ]

I'LL PUT THEM RIGHT-SIDE UP AGAIN, YOU PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE CUP HANDLER!

[ The other speaks into the communicator. ]

Beg yer pardon, everyone, but this ain't gonna stand. No way am I gonna let anyone here get roaches crawlin' in their cups and spreadin' consumption. Don't let the Yank in yer room.

[ knock knock.

Here comes the Confederacy to turn the cups in your cupboard rim-down. Or is it the Union to turn them rim-up? You might be able to tell because the Reb's missing shoes and looks rather shabby, but then again, if you don't know jack shit about the American civil war, you'll probably be confused. ...Or you're confused anyway. Perfectly acceptable. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Nope, all things American. Unity, freedom, a complete unconcern for cockroaches... hey, do you have any food here?

But I-I'm not American. Um, y-yes? I-in the cabinets.

Awesome, I'm starving!

[ HURRY UKRAINE, BEFORE HE EATS YOU OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME ]

[OH FUCK NO YOU DON'T SUDDENLY THERE IS A HAND GRASPING YOURS. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN UKRAINE LOOK THIS SERIOUS, NO I DON'T THINK SO]

Um, p-please don't touch it.

[ this. face. and totally freezing because normally he'd be irritated/violent/sad that someone is defying him, but honestly this is probably the most contact he's gotten from the opposite sex in decades. well, time of the civil war, whatever. ]

Uhhhhhhhhh. Can I. Have some food? Please? I'm hungry? I'm hungry. Food.

[oh America you poor lonely heart]

Yes, but I-I'll get it for you. You can sit down a-at the table and wait.

...Okay.

[ What am females. America very, very slowly and awkwardly dislodges his hand and takes a seat.

He looks a little bewildered.

Might just be registering that Ukraine is a girl for the first time.

WAY TO BE AWKWARD, AMERICA. Luckily, the desire for food outweighs any focus on Ukraine's chest. FEED ME, SEYMOUR. ]

[YES AMERICA, YOU ARE ALONE IN AN AMPLY-CHESTED WOMAN'S APARTMENT. GOOD DEDUCTION SKILLS.

but Ukraine is very good at feeding growing boys/alien plants, so pretty soon she comes back out holding a plate of that hearty warm food you always hallucinate when you're dying in the Arctic]

Here you go! Let me know i-if that's enough, ok?

[ SEE THAT WOULD PANIC HIM A BIT IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE HUGE PLATE OF FOOD IN FRONT OF HIM. America kinda stares at it for a moment. Maybe tearing up a bit. He hasn't seen this much food, good food, in far too long. ]

It's so beautiful.

[ Fact: it's never enough. Doubly so when you shove him out of the civil war and add Discedo on top of it. BUT IT WILL MAKE HIM HAPPY REGARDLESS. ]

I-it's not much, but I make do with what we've got.

[SHE'S HAPPY THAT HE'S HAPPY and is sitting down in one of the other dining room chairs as he eats]

[ Now she gets to witness the inhuman eating machine that is America. The food is being shoveled down his throat almost as fast as he inhales burgers. That is damn fast. And through a mouthful of food: ]

Aren'tchu gonna eat anything?

[she blinks, having to remember herself. just because some people ate like they were dying doesn't mean she had a right to stare at them.]

M-me? Oh no, I-I'm not hungry.

Can I have your food?!

[ and he just keeps eating WHERE DOES IT ALL GO? ]

T-that...that was my food.

[IT'S LIKE A MINI-BLACK HOLE]

...Oh.

[ blink. blink. chew. ]

You sure you don't want any?

[ enjoy the vague chivalry while it lasts, because... it won't. ]

Yes, I-I'm really sure! I-if I did I wouldn't have given it to you.

If you're sure, then!

[ DOWNS THE REST IN ONE GULP. ]

[WHOA HOW DID HE DO THAT oh wait right be a good hostess Ukraine]

Um, do you feel better now?

Yup! I haven't had a good meal in months. You should cook for me more often.

[ getting up to put the dish in the sink (but this one he doesn't clean. TOO LAZY). he'll probably retract his demand for food once Commie Paranoia™ returns. ]

Months, really? I-I'd be happy to, a-although it won't be hot things a-as often as this.

[that's too bad because mysterious baskets of good food will still be showing up on your doorstep. DING DONG DITCH ANYBODY]

Hey, anything that isn't salted beyond taste, doesn't stink, or has bugs in it is okay in my book!

[ sob he just has to make sure it's not GHOSTS giving him food. but he'll eat it anyway ;w; ]

[she giggles] I-I don't have e-enough salt to do that even if I wanted to.

[such wonderful survival skills he has.]

Don't think you really need to with all the technology around here for preserving food.

[ how anyone survived the 19th century is beyond me. ]

No, a-although some of the things a-aren't working at the moment. Still, i-it's nice to have it for flavoring.

[obviously they had to be manly enough to PUNCH DISEASE IN THE FACE. even the women.]

Yeah, but I think I've had enough to last me the decade. And... don't tell Reb I said it, but I'll admit, for flavoring? Cajun food has the best spices.

[ especially the women. spinal tap? THERE AIN'T NO SPINAL TAP, BITE SOME LEATHER HAVE YOUR DAMN BABY. ]

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