starspangledhero | ( text; ) Karkat is the one that fell down a hole this time

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!discedo

( text; ) Karkat is the one that fell down a hole this time

OKAY SO YOU GUYS KNOW HOW EVERYONE GOT COOL STUFF AFTER THE THOUGHT FISHIES WENT AWAY AND I HAD TO PUNCH A SHARK AND HOW I GOT A MUSTANG (LIKE THE ACTUAL HORSE NOT THE CAR)??? WELL I DID! BUT IT WAS WILD SO I HAD TO BREAK IT IN. AND I FINALLY MANAGED IT WITH ONLY A COUPLE KICKS TO THE EVERYTHING.

CAN'T USE SHIFT CAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE I BROKE MY HAND CLEANING HIS HOOVES. TYPING WITH THE OTHER.

OH AND I GOT SOME COOL OUTFITS TOO! I DON'T KNOW WHAT ALL OF THEM ARE BUT ONE HAS A WHIP AND A HAT AND ANOTHER LOOKS LIKE A POLICE UNIFORM AND A SPOOKY ONE AND A COUPLE OTHERS. I LOOK REALLY GOOD IN THEM!

GUYS MY HAND LOOKS REALLY GROSS LOOK AT THIS:

HOLD ON I'M HAVING TROUBLE TURNING ON VID

( video; english )

--oh, there we go!

[ America grins, then turns the video to his hand. It's swollen, one of the fingers is blackened, and the nail has fallen off. He has to show everyone his gross injuries always. He turns it back to himself; he's wearing his Indiana Jones outfit, minus the hat. ]

Sick, right? I'm gonna splint it up and stuff, so hopefully it won't take too long to heal! And then I can get to work making a saddle to fit him and Namine's pony! The plains should be thawed enough to graze them this spring. Man, I'm excited to finally get to ride again!

And if anyone has some pain meds or anything, that'd be cool.

[ America gives a thumbs up with his non-broken hand before shutting off the video. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

...

That is the biggest bunch of nonsense.

Tell me more. Did he ever say what planet he was from?

It's not nonsense! It's true! And anything else it Top Secret.

It's a good job I have the highest sort of clearance, then.

[ eyes going wide ]

YOU'RE MY UNCLE BOB?!

...

...

What?

UNCLE BOB, I FINALLY FOUND YOU!

England always mentioned you and kept saying things like "he is properly called Robert you ill-mannered twit" and "he drinks" but I never actually thought I'd find you!

[ SNIFFLE.

Yes he is tearing up at this beautiful family reunion.

And yes, he did imitate an English accent for his impersonations. He wasn't too bad. ]

I don't-- ... What?

No. Don't do that.

Yes, fine, right, but I'm actually the Doctor. Can nations have uncles?

No, that's not the point--I'm the Doctor.

Right here, look--just look at it.

Uncle Doctor Bob! [ It's like Uncle Onkle Denmark Ojisan. ]

Totally! I've got brothers, and Denmark's kinda like my uncle too, and England was sorta like a father, so it's definitely possible! Just complicated since the relations overlap! And I adopted a sorta-human kid so there.

[ He looks at it again, but alas, your fate is just too late. His face lights up once again. ]

You're my Uncle Doctor and you invented the moon?!

Yes. Yes. Why not? I've made stranger claims.

If you were here I would hug you, Uncle Doctor.

[ just. this face. ]

...

I suppose...

I did used to have a granddaughter.

Used to...

[ oh well now that's just sad. ]

Well, you've got me now! Aren't you the luckiest?!

You're certainly old enough.

The correct answer was yes, but that's right too, I guess.

I meant yes! That's exactly what I meant.

So, what am I going to call you? America? United?

...

States?

But there wasn't the word "yes" anywhere in that answer!

Anyway, America just works! Or Alfred. Probably just America since that's what I am and what everyone calls me.

Didn't have to! An answer can have a different intended meaning. For example! If someone yells at you in anger and they're all very upset and irritated, they may very well just be worried. Like that. Sort of.

It's different.

--Wait, you have a name? A human one?

Wow, you're really British. Is this like that whole "tsundere" thing Japan told me about? Because that's just confusing!

Uh-huh. I've gotta have something to put on my driver's license and dog tags. I have "United States of America" on the latter but I spent way too long at the DMV to every try to put that on any documents ever again.

Plus... I mean, I've got a body, so you gotta have a name for that, right? And all the little things that make it me over the years.

...Another thing that's confusing.

What-- I'm not British--or --whatever that term you just used. Tsundere? What's a tsundere? Whatever it is, that's what I'm not.

...

Maybe I'll just call you Alfred. Did England name you? Because if he did that's a rather clever name. Nothing like Hastings; I mean really...

You sound British and you act British and you're my uncle and England's kinda like my father so you're pretty much British!

Japan says England is tsundere 'cause he always says mean things or says he doesn't care, but that actually means he cares. Something like that.

[ Some day he'll launch into his weirdo existentialism. THE DOCTOR MIGHT ENJOY THAT. ]

Okay! You're right, England gave me that name when I was really small. I don't remember why, exactly... I think it was after some king of his...

I sound British. Because. I want to. It's a choice, unlike the other millions of occupations of the United Kingdom, on Earth or in space or on New Earth, et cetera, et cetera.

Also! When I say I care, if I ever have occasion to, it's sincere. And that's really just silly.

Speaking of silly. It's Alfred the Great. Only English monarch to be named 'the Great' and you know what he did? He defended England. That's what he did. Smart man, a little odd with his love for poetry but you have to admire a man who memorizes a book of poetry in a new language when war was a better use of your time.

Oh, right--Though I really ought to thank you for the compliment, it's actually wrong.

Then why don't you be American?

[ America perks up, either in surprise or a moment of revived memory, at the mention of Alfred the Great. His expression softens a bit. The usual manic grin dwindles to calmer smile. ]

He defended England, huh? Well...

[ He trails off. A moment later he snaps out of it. ]

Poetry isn't bad, but I like movies way better! 'Course I had to make do with books before I had movies, or ways to plug in things to watch movies on, but now film's the way to go!

...I complimented you? [ HE DOESN'T REMEMBER DOING THIS. ] Uh, you're welcome?

You did! You said I may as well be British.

[ NOOOOOO. DOCTOR, STOP COMPILING MY CHARACTERS' SECRET EMOTIONS. Y YOU DO DIS?!

Okay, whatever sweetness America might have been possessing, the moment has passed. ]

That's a compliment?

Obviously. Would you rather I spoke American?

Is this right? You guys.

... Awesome.

Banana. Cookies and biscuits and gravy and Independence day--and defense spelled with an s.

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