starspangledhero | ( text → video; english ) this post is all over the place and I don't care. FANTASIAAA.

AMERICA'S AWESOME CHRISTMAS LIST

MAKE THE TVS WORK SO I CAN WATCH CHRISTMAS MOVIES

CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

CANDY CANES

CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

SOME SANTA HATS

A CHRISTMAS TREE

NICE SMELLING SKIN LOTION (I'M BATHING NOW SO NOW I'M ALL DRY AND ITCHY)

WEED!!! (AND A GLASS BONG PLEASE)

A HORSE (PREFERABLY QUARTER HORSE)

A NEW RECORD PLAYER

AND AN ALBUM BY JIMI HENDRIX OR JOHNNY CASH OR FRANK SINATRA OR THE DOORS OR THE ROLLING STONES OR ALL OF THE ABOVE

WARM CLOTHES AND A SCARF

(FREEDOM) PEANUT BRITTLE

SEND PEANUT BRITTLE TO ROSALYN AND TONY AND MOBY AND MILES AND ISAAC AND MIRIA AND OLDER ENGLAND AND LITHUANIA ALL MY OTHER FRIENDS BACK HOME (HUMAN AND OTHERWISE AND NOT KISSINGER) WITH A NOTE THAT SAYS I LOVE THEM AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!

WEED (OR ACID OR K-TABS OR THORAZINE OR WHATEVER YOU'VE GOT) OR TOBACCO

BURGERS AND CHRISTMAS LIGHTS I WANT THEM

AND PLEASE INSTALL A MCDONALDS DOWN THE STREET. AMEN.

[ Insert excited America face here. ]

MY EMBASSY FINALLY HAS LIGHTS AND HOT WATER THANK YOU MADDIE BUTMOREIMPORTANTLYRIGHTNOW-

[ America steps back. He's wearing a tattered, burgundy bathrobe that looks like it's falling apart at the seams. Even worse, he's horribly made himself a blue wizard hat and painted stars onto it. Then he glued some black, vaguely circular papers onto it to look like mouse ears. It looks terrible. All of this took him days to concoct so hey, A for effort. All of this because YEAHHH CLEANING SUPPLIES ACTING ON THEIR OWN. ]

Look! I'm like Mickey Mouse in Fantasia! I am... the sorcerer's apprentice!

[ He starts marching, waving his arms around, generally acting like a goofball. Then, out of nowhere, sponges and brushes, scrubbing him in the vague direction of the bathroom. ]

H-hey, cut it out! Ack! AHHH MERLIN--!

[ He's hearded into the bathroom where there is a loud splash and more of America's ~~wailing~~ complaining as he's cleaned alongside his snarling hellbeast of a pet.

...It'll take him a bit to respond. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

My apartment, getting attacked. Not for long! I'll be ready to hang in like, two minutes, I've gotta take these fuckers down. Magic isn't immune to bullets, right?

I wish to help.

You do? Awesome! Grab a gun and head on over! Marshall 202. Just don't hit the dog.

TEAM AMERICA GO FIGHT WIN.

[ All he's doing is running around his apartment firing at everything and tearing it to pieces with his super strength. Too bad sponges don't have to be in one piece to function.

And yes he's still in his robe and hat, dripping wet. ]

[Cas shows up in the only pair of clothes that he owns. They're covered in blood and he doesn't look much better but he has his gun at his hip and a sort of whimsical face on when he sees the mops.]

[ Current greetings are being hindered by a mop attacking his head. Still, he tries to stumble over for a hand shake. ]

There you are! Man, these things are relentless.

[ Oh yeah finally noticing the blood. ]

You alright there?

Oh- what?

Yes.

Yes, it's dried blood.

[Cas shakes his hand awkwardly and watches the mop.]

Oh good! Never mind, then!

[ Not. even. questioning it. Plus he's a little preoccupied trying to rip the mop apart while it furiously washes his hair. ]

[Cas goes for the mop with a smile slapped on his face, lord knows he needs a bath too.]

[ America would be giving Cas a grateful look if he wasn't currently writhing like a poisoned amoeba as his face is molested by cleaning implements. Halp. ]

[Cas leers forward to get the mop, it struggling in his hands and hitting him over the face and head. Hey, that hurts.]

[ NOOO NO ATTACKING AMERICA'S FRIENDS. ESPECIALLY ONES THAT DON'T THINK HE'S A SMELLY HOBO.

So he does the only logical thing.

Logic, in America's case, includes dramatically grabbing the mop and throwing it through the window. It probably wasn't open. That doesn't deter him from following this by shooting at the long-gone mop through said window to ensure that everything magical and wonderful about that mop died.

Except it's magic so it's done nothing but stall for time. There's also the various rags and sponges still enthusiastically set on cleaning. Oh well. ]

[Cas just goes into a sneeze fit as he's being cleaned. It's a little harder to grab the things when he's sneezing.]

Hold still! I'll save ya!

[ Aiming the gun at the cleaning implements around Cas. You may want to stop him before bad ideas take fruition. ]

Shoot[sneeze]ing [sneeze]is not a good idea, America.

[Cas pulls himself from the midst of a flurry of cleaning supplies and moves to stand beside him.]

Are you sure? It can't hurt. Unless I hit you. But I won't!

[ poking a sponge with his gun. ]

No, this is Gorilla warfare.

We need to fight it- with its weakness.

FILTH.

...You are a genius.

WE NEED MUD STAT.

Where's the mud?!

TO THE GREAT OUTDOORS!

[ bolting for door! hey, at least he's not jumping out the window. ]

[Cas follows, a little bit slower- because he's a lazy hippie.]

[ America, meanwhile, can't rid himself of his enthusiasm even when his brain has been drugged to near non-existence.

Therefore, as soon as he's outside, he plunges himself face-first into the slush.

And forgets that, oh yeah, it's December, and snowy, and really fucking cold. Muffled from his crumpled form on the ground: ]

Suddenly, I'm thinking I should've thrown on a jacket.

[ Insert frantic rolling. ]